Christmas Jokes

[kevinchess1]

Last year I brought IDSIS a Fridge for Christmas
You should have seen her face light up when she open it.

[kevinchess1]

The following joke carries a PG certificate...actually it's probably motre like a 15+
2 of the 3 characters in it are completely made up and should not be confused with people you know/have heard of.[

It's Christmas eve and Santa has slid down the chimney into Rachel's studio flat.
He can see the top of her head sticking out of the duvet. As he tip toes towards the tree he thinking, 'She needs to get her roots done.'
Rachel sighs and turns over and the duvet slip down to reveal her face. 'Not bad' thinks Santa 'If I were 500 years younger...'
Rachel turns over again and the duvet slips down to reveal her bare shoulders 'goodness me' thinks Santa ' She cant have much of a nighty on, she will catch her death.' Rachel is dreaming and starts to thrash about saying 'Stoppit Luke.'
The duvet slips down to the top of her chest Santa thinks goodness is she sleeping topless? Santa shakes his head and starts to empty his sack 'Rachel cries out get off me Luke!' and the duvet slips down another inch Santa stops and stares almost willing the duvet further down another yell NO>'
the duvet slips down about half an inch and Santa drops the GHD straighteners onto his foot 'Fraggles he yells
Rachel wakes up and sits up and says if that you Santa?' The duvet has slipped right down and Santa can see she sleeps topless 'Yes it is my dear, go back to sleep Rachel stretches and yawns making everything jiggle 'Santa you look frozen, your beard is all ice, your coat is covered in snow and your trousers are all wet...and stiff.'
'It's a bitterly cold night my dear, knew it was a mistake coming to the North East in the middle of the night.'
'Hope into bed with me for a minute and warm yourself up.' she says throwing back the duvet. It's at this point that Santa realises he's mistaken, she doesn't sleep topless, she sleeps naked. 'W..w..well I don't think I should my dear.'
'Go on Santa.' she says, putting her foot on the floor 'Just for a couple of minutes.'
Santa sighs and says 'I might as well, there's NO way I'm getting back up the chimney...

[kevinchess1]

I opened the door last night to carol singers & said "Do you know Silent Night?"
"Yes" they replied
"Well p**s off then because I want one!"

[kevinchess1]

How did Joseph & Mary know that Jesus was 7lb 5 when he was born?

They had a weigh-in-a manger.

[kevinchess1]

RICK ASTLEY! yes RICK ASTLEY has just asked me what I want for Christmas.
I said'I want that PIxar DVD about the house that get's carried away by all those balloons.'
'He said....'

(That's you cue Chadwick)

[Chadwick]

RICK ASTLEY! yes RICK ASTLEY has just asked me what I want for Christmas.
I said'I want that PIxar DVD about the house that get's carried away by all those balloons.'
'He said....'

(That's you cue Chadwick)

I'm never gonna give you "Up"!


[Thank you, thank you, I'm here all week etc]

[1960mackem]

RICK ASTLEY! yes RICK ASTLEY has just asked me what I want for Christmas.
I said'I want that PIxar DVD about the house that get's carried away by all those balloons.'
'He said....'

(That's you cue Chadwick)

I'm never gonna give you "Up"!


[Thank you, thank you, I'm here all week etc]

by kevinchess1 » Mon Dec 12, 2016 7:48 pm
by Chadwick » Tue Dec 13, 2016 9:53 am

Here all week - might be time for another one then

[Chadwick]

Here all week - might be time for another one then

If you insist...


I'm struggling to get at the chocolates in my advent calendar.
Foiled again.

[kevinchess1]

I'm looking forward to my Brexit Christmas Lunch
No Brussels

[kevinchess1]

My father was a bomb disposal technician?..

It took him six hours to open his Christmas presents.