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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile, and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.



"Let's have sex with a cat?" said the zoophile.


"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," said the sadist.


"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.


"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.


"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.





There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."

Paddy power are taking bets on Oscar's trial
9/2 if he's guilty
and 1000/'1 if he walks

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest
apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun,
and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

So, it seems that what they call Nigel is correct (or almost!)

https://glosbe.com/ms/id/faraj

In Memory of the Pensford boy...

This bloke arrives home in Bristol and goes upstairs to find his wife in the bath, stark naked with her big toe stuck in the tap.

"Blimey dar, wos goin' on 'ere?" He says.

"Ooh Albert, I were just messing about an' I got me toe stuck", said his wife.

"Right", he says, "I'd best call a plumber, so you put me Bowler hat over yer privates"!!

The plumber arrives, takes one look and says "Well my cocker, I can get 'er toe free, but I can't do sod all for Acker Bilk"!!

2 blokes down the a pub:

"I just found out that my wife's been playing around for years. Well, I've had enough, I'm going to shoot her!!".

"Jeez, mate, that's a bit extreme! But I've heard the surest way is to aim about two inches below her left nipple...."

"Bugger that!" says the first bloke, "I want to kill her, not kneecap her!"

Why do porn sights have a 'Share to facebook' button
I mean, c'mon, I don't want ANY of my friends finding out I'm on facebook

A solicitor from London was out shooting in Suffolk for the weekend. He spotted a mallard in flight and quickly raised his gun and shot it - but it fell into a neighbouring field.

Just as he had climbed over the fence to get it, the old farmer arrived on his tractor - "Hold yew hard! "Where d'yew be a goin' to?" he asked. The solicitor explained the situation, but the farmer just said "Thes yers private property - get off of moi land!"

The solicitor was none too happy about this and said "I am well known to the magistrates around here, If you don't let me get my bird, I'll sue you and make you regret this day!"

But the old farmer said "dasht if yew will boi, This in't London an we use simple local rules fer sortin out things - the trial of three kicks. Way it works is, oi giv'ee three kicks, then you do the same, an on, an on till one of us gives in"

The Lawyer, boiling with rage at this peasant's insolence, looked at the old man and fancied his chances to teach him a lesson. So he agreed to the trial and the farmer came across, very slowly, and stood right in front of him.

Without warning, the farmer kicked the solicitor right in the family jewels and the solicitor dropped to his knees, eyes watering. Whereupon the farmer brought his heavy welly up and nearly took off his nose! Then as the solicitor was trying to come to his senses, the farmer gave him a third hard kick in the kidneys ..... which was almost enough to make the solicitor give up. But he was so full of bile that he forced himself to stand back up, racked with pain and covered with blood - "OK, now it's my turn, old man!" he said with an evil grin.

But the old farmer just smiled and said "Nah, bor - Oi give up.... yew can take yer old duck!!"

The old Portuguese farmer decided to go and check on his water hole and took along a basket so he could gather any fresh fruit on his walk. As he neared the water hole, he heard several young, female voices laughing and talking excitedly, but as he approached the three young tourists fled to the deepest part of the water hole, showing only their heads above the surface.

"We are staying here and we won't move until you go away!", said one of the girls in passable Portuguese.

The old farmer smiled and said "Oh my dear girl, I didn't come here to catch you, or to see you naked......"

"I just came to feed the crocodile!"

kevinchess1 wrote:Apparently men think about sex every 5 minges

That's a hairy subject!