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Ray and Bessie have retired and gone to live in Texas.

Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale one day, he bought them and wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to Bessie "Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated, Ray storms off to the bathroom, strips and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now??"

Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat..."

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and occasionally a €50 note fell out onto the pavement.

Noticing this, Garda Murphy stopped her, and said, "Mother, ye're losing notes from that bag"

"Oh, jeez!" said the little old lady. "I'd best go back and see if I can find them. Thanks Gard!"

"Well, now, not so fast," said the Murphy " Where the divil did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no,", said the old lady. "You see, my cottage backs on to trump's golf course, farthest from the clubhouse."
"A lot of Golfers get caught short and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right onto my spuds. Well, ye know, that used to vex me - but then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' "
"So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my shears and every time some chap sticks his yoke through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'Ye'd best give me €50euros or off it comes!'

"Well, that seems only right," grinned Murphy, "OK. Off ye go -good luck!"

Then a thought struck him, "Oh, tell me what's in the other bag ye have there?"

"Well, let's put it this way......." said the little old lady, "Not everybody pays!!!"

UK death toll now 144....that's gross

It's important that we help our vulnerable neighbours at this time.
I've just been round to the old lady next door to do some gardening for her.

In Portsmouth, a young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea. But just before she did, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," he said "My ship is off to Australia tomorrow - I can hide you on board and you can get a new life. I'll take care of you and bring you food every day."

Nothing to lose, she accepted.... since she'd always wanted to go to Australia.

The sailor smuggled her on board and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. Then, every night, he would bring her some food and a bottle of wine..... and would make love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the Captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the Captain.

"One of you sailors is helping me to get to Australia," she said, "He brings me food every day...."

"Are you paying him?" asked the Captain.

Her conscience got the best of her and, blushing, she said, "No, no - but he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the Captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry......"

Prince Charles is isolating at Balmoral with Covid-19.

Prince Andrew is isolating at Windsor with Emily-14.

Clap for carers.
It's just like VD day.

What...you're scared of paedophiles?

Grow up!