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A new rule in snooker means you’re not allowed to use any accessories when playing a shot.
The Rest is history

Q. What gun doesn’t kill anything?

A. A Vegun

I'm in Raich's bad books again . I got her some Lorry Oil for her birthday , apparently she said she wanted L'Oréal .

So, Bagdhadi dead then
He was one of my favourite wrestlers

"You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer", says the Judge

"You b@st@rd!", comes a shout from the public gallery

"You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer", continues the Judge

"You b@st@rd!", comes the same shout

The judge stops and says to public gallery "I can understand your anger at this crime, but if there are any further outbursts I will clear the court!"

Then a man in the public gallery stands up and says, "I apologise, your honour, but I've lived next door to that b@st@rd for 10 years - and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one!!"

Mikey was sitting on the bench with a bag of sweets, eating one another.

After about a dozen, the man on the bench opposite said,
"D'you know eating all those sweets isn't good for you.They'll rot your teeth and make you fat."

Mikey just looked him in the eye and said "My grandad lived until he was 107...."

"... and did your grandfather eat sweets like you?', replied the man

"No, he just minded his own feckin' business!!", said Mikey

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

If Watson isn’t the most famous doctor in the world,
Then Who is

Diarmuid goes to the Antiques Roadshow dragging a huge metal box behind him.

The expert says "Where did you get this?"

Diarmuid says "Sure, it's been in the loft for the last 40 years - I think it might be an heirloom".

"... and do you have it covered on you household insurance?" asks the expert

"Do ye think I should have insurance?" said Diarmuid

The expert rolls his eyes and says "Yes, you eejit - it's your bloody water tank!!"

Katie is in the park with her father when she spies some ducks
"Look daddy, quack quacks!" she says
Her father says "Katie - you must use the grown-up word - they are not quack quacks, they are ducks."

A while later she sees a labrador chasing a ball
"Oh look daddy - a bow-wow! she says
Her father looks at her and says"Katie, I told you before, it is not a bow-wow, it is a dog. You must always use the grown-up word".

That night, Katie's father goes into her room to find her watching an animation on the TV
"What's that you're watching?" he asks....
"Winnie the sh1t!" Katie replies