imutual.co.uk

In my last job, I took orders from nobody.

My career in sales was short-lived.

I had a new mustard that had just been released, but I'm sure I have had it before - it was Dijon vu.

While trying to avoid hitting a dog, I lost control of my two wheeler and landed in a ditch by the side of road. With some difficulty, as I crawled out of the ditch, a beautiful woman who had stopped her car and came to help me asked "Are you okay?"
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up.
She said, “Come, get in my car. I’ll take you to my place that is only few blocks away. You can clean up, and then I will examine to confirm that you are not hurt.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come on, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "We need to see if you have any scrapes and treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very kind. I could not say no, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place and after cleaning up, she examining me to confirm that I do not have any major injury and then offered a drink. We had couple of drinks, but all along I was feeling guilty and finally told her, "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. I suppose, she must be at home, right?"
"Well, not really. She must be still in the ditch."

I tried to book an appointment with a psychic, but she told me I wouldn't turn up........

My neighbour fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette............

When he woke up, his whole house was on the internet

Just can't get away from my faulty keyboard.

There's no escape.

As a youngster, I was made to walk the plank......

We couldn't afford a dog.