Post
by macliam » Fri Mar 13 2020 3:07pm
European Virus Update
England has raised its threat level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, the level may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." (England has not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out).
Wales have done the same as England, but with mistranslated labels. Cardiff is unsure what a status of "fluffy cabbage" means.
Scotland has raised its threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's Get the Bastard". There are no other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
Ireland has joined forces with Latvia, Lithuania and Estonia in a strategy to combat "The threat from the East"
France announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Belgium is divided on its reaction to the virus; Brussels is only concerned at the threat of NATO pulling out.
Holland is under fire from its LGBTQ+ community for its planned increase in the use of dykes for flood defences.
Denmark has denounced any claims that the royal family have overspent on new clothes as "Fairy Tales".
Norway have sent a message saying "So long and thanks for all the fish"
Sweden has produced a new anti-viral kit, but nobody can put it together.....
Finland has increased its threat level from "Let's get pissed" to "Let's get pissed".... there is no other level.
Germany has increased its alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They only have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”
Austria has welcomed any German assistance in securing its borders.
Poland is nervous - but says its reaction to the Virus has been hit by a lack of builders and plumbers.
Czechy and Slovakia are united in their condemnation of any attack.
Hungary has moved father to the right. It is now close to China.
Romania has blamed the Gypsies.
Bulgaria has blamed Turkey.
The former Yugoslav republics can't agree on their reaction to the virus (or anything else).
Switzerland has a clear strategy to combat the virus - in four languages and different for each canton.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
Spain has insisted that any independent Catalunya take all its virus with it.
Portugal has re-established its borders with Spain, but the Spanish can't read the signs.
The Russians have said “It's not us” Nobody believes them.
Stop press:
The UK has re-categorized the virus from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
Spain is excited to see their new submarines are ready to deploy. These beautifully designed vessels have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Further afield:
Australia has raised its alert level from “No worries” to “She'll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get me