Clean jokes - post 'em here

The light-hearted side of life
macliam
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Wed Aug 19 2020 11:38am

All the body parts were having a meeting to decide who should be in charge in charge.

"It should be me," said the brain, "Because without me nothing would happen."

"No, it should be me," said the stomach," Because I process food to provide you all with energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"No, me," said the eyes, "Because I let you see where you're going."

From the back, the rectum said, "It must be me, because I'm responsible for waste removal."

How they all laughed at the rectum and insulted him. So, in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain developed a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly and the eyes got watery. so they all decided that the rectum should be the boss

Moral: Even though others do all the work, the one in charge is usually an arsehole.
Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get me

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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by xxxraichxxx » Thu Aug 20 2020 9:27pm

I've got an addiction to Mexican food but I don't wanna Taco about it
Last edited by xxxraichxxx on Thu Aug 20 2020 9:27pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by xxxraichxxx » Thu Aug 20 2020 9:27pm

Worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle

It was a vile inn
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by expressman33 » Sat Aug 22 2020 5:35pm

Anybody know a good lawyer for Harry McGuire in Greece.Apparently not up to defending himself

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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by xxxraichxxx » Sat Aug 22 2020 6:48pm

Went to the pub last night dressed as a tennis ball,

Got served straight away.
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Sat Aug 22 2020 9:30pm

xxxraichxxx wrote:
Sat Aug 22 2020 6:48pm
Went to the pub last night dressed as a tennis ball,

Got served straight away.
I Love all your jokes :thumbup:
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Sat Aug 22 2020 9:31pm

expressman33 wrote:
Sat Aug 22 2020 5:35pm
Anybody know a good lawyer for Harry McGuire in Greece.Apparently not up to defending himself
They have just check this on the CCTV and have awarded Man U a penalty. :shock:
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Sat Aug 22 2020 9:32pm

expressman33 wrote:
Sat Aug 22 2020 5:35pm
Anybody know a good lawyer for Harry McGuire in Greece.Apparently not up to defending himself
Well of course he''ll get off, he's innocence
Nom way he tackled 2 people in 1 night.
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macliam
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Wed Aug 26 2020 9:56am

I was on the beach and saw this guy in the sea, waving frantically and shouting "Help, Shark! Help!"

I had to laugh..... as if a shark was going to help him!
Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get me

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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Wed Aug 26 2020 10:28am

Conor was hitchhiking from Dublin to Galway.

It was a dark and stormy night, no moon and the wind drove the rain horizontally/

He saw a car coming slowly towards him - and then it stopped, about 10 metres behind him.

So he got in, chirrupping "Gee, thanks! It's a horrible night out there!"

But then he realised, there was nobody in the driver's seat and the engine was off!

All of a sudden, the car started moving.......

Shocked, Conor looked ahead and saw a bend coming up and he started to pray for his life.

Then, just before they hit the bend, a hand appeared from nowhere and grabbed the steering wheel.....

Shaking with terror, Conor saw a pub up ahead - and steeling himself, he jumped from the car and ran towards the lights.

Shaking, crying and soaked through, he burst into the bar, babbling about the horrible experience he just had.

Realising he wasn't drunk, the barman poured him a large glass to settle his nerves and was just about to hand it to him when the door burst open again and two strangers entered. Jjust like Conor, they were wild eyed, panting and soaked through...

Looking around the pub - they saw Conor sitting at the bar..... and one said

"Look Paddy! There's the eejit who jumped in the car while we were pushing it!!!"

"
Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get me

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