Clean jokes - post 'em here

The light-hearted side of life
expressman33
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by expressman33 » Mon May 24 2021 2:28pm

A man had two of the best tickets for the Champion League Final. As he sat down, another man came along and asked if anyone was sitting in the seat next to him.
"No", he said, "the seat is empty."
"That's incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Champion League Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?" He said, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away.
This is the first Final we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that.
That's terrible.
I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The man shakes his head...
"No. They're all at the funeral."

expressman33
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by expressman33 » Sat May 29 2021 10:00am

Man walks into a bar, and asks for a helicopter-flavoured packet of crisps.
Barman says: "Sorry mate, we only do plane"
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expressman33
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by expressman33 » Sat May 29 2021 10:00am

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls 999.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Sat May 29 2021 6:54pm

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Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get me

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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Sat May 29 2021 6:55pm

Image
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Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get me

kevinchess1
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Sun May 30 2021 8:52am

Me "I'm having trouble hearing in my left ear.'
Doctor "Are you certain that's the problem?"
" I'm definite.'
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Mon May 31 2021 5:01pm

Please remember you can’t walk Black and white dogs 🐕 today.
It’s Ban Collie day.
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Tue Jun 01 2021 3:26am

My thoughts on Green energy, Huge fan.
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expressman33
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by expressman33 » Tue Jun 01 2021 3:27pm

My Wife just packed my bags & kicked me out, as I was leaving she screamed at me, "I wish you a slow & painful death". "Oh", I replied, "So now you want me to stay?".

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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Fri Jun 04 2021 10:00am

I'm grateful to Chadwick for explaining what 'Bargain' means.
It means a great deal
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